The “ideals”

You want easy. I am complicated. You want malleable, Someone who shapes themselves around you. I am cement coated bricks I lay the foundations I know where to build walls and where to build bridges. I am the architect; My own protector. You want someone to laugh at your jokes, even when they are not…

Depression & Discipline.

Niyama (Rig Veda)- Positive actions. Patanjali’s third Niyama, ‘Tapas‘ is derived from the Sanskrit verb ‘tap’ which translates to ‘to burn’. In this sense, ‘tapas’ means burning in order to purify. This is done with the purpose of cultivating discipline- “I don’t want to get out of bed today, but I will” One of the most…

Reasons.

I was not trained to deal with death. If I close my eyes and keep them shut For long enough Maybe I’ll see you again. Perhaps this is why I cannot get out of bed.   These days, I’m just numb. I only do what needs to be done. I eat at least two meals…

First Year of Uni : The Epic Fail.

Mental Health Awareness Week. Cleaning out my room at the uni accommodation was such a relief. I walked back in with a heavy heart- my room, where I would sometimes spend 3-4 nights in a row in a catatonic state, wondering what the difference is between life and death, if there even is any. My cave of…

Kafka’s Walls.

“A dark, omnipresent pool of water. It was probably always there, hidden away somewhere. But when the time comes it silently rushes out, chilling every cell in your body. You drown in that cruel flood, grasping for breath. You cling to a vent near the ceiling, struggling, but the air you manage to breathe is…

Fear.

Fear- one of the strongest, or if not the strongest human emotion. A key to survival and the mother of anxiety. Some fears are fast, unpredictable, like the fear of bees after being stung by one or a fear of dogs after being bitten by one. Some fears have a fucking good reason, like a…

Privilege.

We are both capable of flying. But, your wings are made of feathers, my wings are made of stones.

The ‘D’ word.

Dear Depression, I remember the first time I met you. I was seven years old, you came holding the knowledge of freedom. I saw you in the eyes of the other children my age, who had no shoes on their feet. I saw you in the lifeless body of a baby, left on the streets, touched…

Failing successfully.

So it’s 2:00 am, I am wide awake, for the twenty-seventh time. Sleep has become a distinct hope. What I find absolutely hilarious is the confidence in my doctor’s voice when they assure me in every intervention that my current prescribed pills will bring my sleep under regulation. Evidently, it has not worked. How long should I…

Raindrops. (2017)

Raindrops on a leaf; One, two, three. A tree, Underneath which I sit still. Its shadow, That stops the light from kissing the earth, And fights with my shadow Where a monster burns. Bombs, Like raindrops; One, two, three. Fall from the sky And I sit still. I have poison in my hand So I…

Esther’s Telephone Poles.

“I saw the years of my life spaced along a road in the form of telephone poles, threaded together by wires. I counted one, two, three… nineteen telephone poles, and then the wires dangled into space, and try as I would, I couldn’t see a single pole beyond the nineteenth.”– The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath….

Walls.

The feeling of settlement is what I fear the most. Perhaps it’s because I have spent my whole life moving around that the unfamiliarity of the feeling provokes my anxiety and depression. Settlement is not just waking up in the same room for more than year. A big part to it is contributed by the…