I wish you could read my mind. (2016)

I wish you could read my mind

Because there are things that I cannot say.

I would swallow the words because they won’t leave my tongue

And digest this illness away.

Sometimes I do feel physically ill

Emotions build up like tar and erode my lungs

I can’t spit my thoughts out so I just get drunk

And silently admit to myself

That I am numb.

Do I have the right to feel this way?

Do I have the right to complain?

I don’t even know who I am,

How will I show what I can be

To all the people who did and didn’t believe in me?

How will I show them the world I see?

I am running away from my life

And keep running out of breath

But I’d rather suffocate than wait

And solve my mistakes

I keep coming back to the same place again and again,

I wish my legs would just break.

I wish you could erase poetry from my life

I’d rather not exist than be trapped in the ink of my pen.

I wish you could stop trying to figure me out

And tell me to drink another beer and smile again.

I wish I could tell you that that girl wasn’t me

Who told you that she was happy just the way she is

Because in reality every time I look in the mirror

I cannot recognise the face I see.

It’s like I’m living two lives,

One is just for me.

I don’t mean to be so distant

I just want to be set free

But I am caged in this atmosphere

The sky is breaking on my head

I can’t breathe and I’m going blind

And I am so afraid of death.

I want to live,

I want to love.

Not love the rope around my neck,

Not love the pills and the sessions my doctor keeps throwing at my face.

Not love poetry. It’s like a poison to me.

I wish I didn’t have to get drunk to connect emotionally.

I wish you could read my mind

These are the things I cannot tell

It’s hard enough to understand

Let alone explain myself.

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