Failing successfully.

So it’s 2:00 am, I am wide awake, for the twenty-seventh time. Sleep has become a distinct hope. What I find absolutely hilarious is the confidence in my doctor’s voice when they assure me in every intervention that my current prescribed pills will bring my sleep under regulation. Evidently, it has not worked. How long should I wait for this to take effect? Until I lose my mind?

I do not wish to sleep as much as I wish to silence my anxiety- the constant feeling that if I allow myself to close my eyes, I might lose an opportunity. I still don’t know what opportunity it is that I am looking for, but failure brings with itself desperation to find an exit.

“What have I become?”

“How did I end up in this position?”

I look back on the days when I could convince myself that my future was promising. The days when I would bring home straight A*s and As. How can a student with such ambition and determination end up failing in the most critical aspect of life- failure itself?

Failure requires discipline. Failure requires acute registration. Most importantly, failure requires self-compassion because no one will understand to what extent one has failed, apart from oneself. The nature of failure is so personal that to compare your failure with another is nothing but idiotic and unreasonable. Of course, these exalted phrases are infinitely easier said than practiced.

Hope is extremely fragile to grasp on to, especially with depression cutting the cords. But, I’d rather have the cords cut and disposed than have them take the image of lies and delusions wrapped around my neck, screaming at me to suspend. Failure necessitates an honest recognition, however painful it may be, because it teaches us the art of self-respect. Failure is nothing but an envelope that demands tremendous courage to open, for inside it lies the secret to independence.

“Some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all—in which case, you fail by default.”- J.K. Rowling, Harvard Commencement Speech.

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